The Ex that I never knew

This brings me back to my form 6 days at S.M.K. Sultan Abdul Samad, PJ. 

I had taken part in a few clubs and each club was to send a representative to this 3-day-2-night camp called "Kem Integrasi" held and sponsored by the school. Being a scout, I loved camps and missed it dearly since I finished my SPM. But all the clubs that I was part of had already chosen their 'scape-goat' and at the same time, I was afraid to express my interest to join. Maybe it was peer pressure since everyone didn't want to go, I didn't wanna be the odd one out.

However, there was one club, whose members only counted a handful, who hadn't chosen anyone. Desperately trying to get it without drawing attention, I kinda 'lured' them into choosing me as their scape-goat. Mission accomplished! =D

I was thrilled to be able to join camps once again. I happily brought all my old scouting equipment 'back to life' not to mention my camping spirit! =D

As the camp began, we were split into groups. In my group, I was one of the 2 upper sixes in the group which meant that we, as the eldest, should lead the group. But the other person was a small, petite girl who has absolutely no clue. On top of that, I was also one of the only 2 guys in the group! The more reason I should be the group leader, right?

Nope, not for me at least.

I gently pushed all responsibilities to the other guy to be the leader. Why you ask? I had low self-esteem and wasn't confident in my own leadership, if I had any that is. I was also afraid to bear responsibilities because in previous camps, I tend to screw up stuff, big and small. 

The guy seems to be okay with his position and I can tell that he tries really hard to make up for his inexperience. He's better than me in the sense that he actually tries. So I guess my decision wasn't all that bad. =)

Although I broke free from being the leader, it didn't mean that I just sat there and watch him die. With the most experience in camping, I would feel bad if I didn't give him some advice when he needed it the most. In a way, I was leading the group through his hands.

As of most camps, they'll have teambuilding activities as well as bonding sessions. And through all of those, 1 of the girls fell for me. As in, had a crush, oh you get it, right?

I only realised it after the camp when she started sms-ing me on random occasions, and really often too. At that point of time, I didn't quite had the feelings she would like me to have, and even if I did, I wouldn't have had the guts to start a relationship. I was full of doubts. "Should I start this?" "Would I be a good boyfriend?" "Would I be able to develop feelings for her over time?"

All sorts of questions came into my mind. But yet, there was still no definite answer. Logically, at my current state, I should take whatever I can get. But my conscience told me that if I accept her and end up hurting her, then I shouldn't start this at all. But the other side also told me that I will not get another chance like this anytime soon, so if I give up without trying, I would've failed before it even began.

So I chose to let it be. To maintain the status quo. But if she were to ask me out, I guess I would be up for it? No, it didn't happen, that's why I'm still guessing. 

Soon, the smses started to die off, just as fast as it began. And so did my chance of loving someone with all my heart.

And now, I kinda regret that I didn't try. To be loved is a blessing, and to love back is the choice of accepting that blessing. I regretted not to had made the right choice. But if I don't fall down, I wouldn't know where to pick myself up, now would I?

What's done is done and there's no point crying over spilt milk. All I can do now is to appreciate the people who love me and to love 'em back. And if I ever get a second chance, I promise that I'll do everything that I can to make it work. Nema (=

Cheers.